Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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