All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
