I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
