Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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