so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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