Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
