I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
