1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize