I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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