If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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