I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
