I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
