I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
