I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
