you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
