Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
