Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
