He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You took a bar mat shot.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
