my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want a musical about memes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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