i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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