My nipple is on Facebook.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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