She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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