What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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