Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize