just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
