I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
