You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
