Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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