Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
