Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
