i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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