I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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