At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
