I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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