If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I deserve this hangover.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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