Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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