If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
