Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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