He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
