Well apparently he's into motor boating.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
