Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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