Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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