Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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