I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
