im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
