Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Text me some of your sweat
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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