Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
