Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
