john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
