Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
