we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
