Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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