Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
