Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
