She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
