Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
