Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
