I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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